The Unending Battle

It began on a typically busy evening three years ago. Or rather, I started noticing her more since that evening. I’d seen her sneaking around now and then before that evening. She’d try her best to grab my undivided attention, but I always brushed her aside thinking — “Oh it’s nothing”, “This is normal”, and everything else your inner voice tells you to assure your safety. But that evening, that one terrifying evening whose memories still shake me to my core, she played all her cards well. She showed up during a cab ride when I was excitedly traveling to my favourite part of the city for an event I’d looked forward to. I’d been picked for a great role in the NGO I worked for, within 6 months of joining. It’s good work, ain’t it? I should be proud, thrilled even.

But she knew better. I don’t know how she noticed the finer details that were running in my head. I don’t know how she picked up those isolated thoughts and tied them together like an impressive montage. I don’t know why she decided to bring it up then… Inside that stuffy cab… when I was on one of the busiest, traffic laden, roads of Bangalore.

“You’re late”.

“Nobody knows you there”.

“You don’t deserve this position.”

“Your first time in an official meeting!!”

“Is this how you are going to present yourself?”

“So many strangers in an unfamiliar place.”

“First impression?”

“Unlikeable you.”

“Misfit you.”

Oh also…”You’re alone in a cab”

“Stuck”.

“Alone.”

“If you get sick now, nobody would even know..”.

“Alone.”

“Trapped.”

“Alone.”

“Alone…”

She placed all her cards on the table, waiting for the perfect reaction, with the demeanor of a winner.

This is how I first encountered her. My anxiety. On a perfectly normal day, she decided to stop being my hidden caged friend, and decided to show up like an unannounced guest who always overstayed their welcome.

Nonetheless, she got what she came in for. I choked on my own thoughts, leaving me breathless and gasping for air. With trembling hands, I opened the car window. It didn’t matter when you were standing still in heavy traffic. I told the driver to rush. I asked him to drop me soon. Begged him to do something. Anything. He gave me a concerned look from the rearview mirror, but knew better than to ask…He’d got the answer he needed from the tears rolling down my eyes. He seemed relieved to have dropped me off. I stepped out into the chilly evening — smudged kajal, body shaking, but refusing to give up. I could still win if I tried.

I smiled. Brushed her aside. And stepped into the cafe for the meeting. I’m fine. I’m here. And I am ready to mingle.

That evening remains a blur. I stayed quiet the entire evening. Some kind individuals helped me navigate through the unknown faces. I was relieved to hear I could go home. But something happened that night…something irreversible…I could not book myself a cab that day…I could not book myself a cab ever since… “Autos rides are much more fun”, I claimed to my family. Deep inside, I knew…. She had won that evening.

She has visited me regularly ever since, reminding me of every regret and mistake of my life. She always had the upper hand. Just like every other relationship in my life. I always listened to her like a little child who feared authority.

Until one day… I realised, she took away everything good from me.

I used to be reliable, people could count on me, I was funny, open to new experiences, trustworthy, I was capable. Efficient. But not anymore..

I began to cancel plans; I began to isolate myself. Stopped talking to people, I stopped looking for opportunities, I became useless in situations of crisis, I began to stop trying. I became a slave to her wishes. I became a helpless mess.

It had gone on for far too long. It was time to end this toxic relationship. It was time to stand up for the person I was losing — me.

We’ve not been on good terms ever since. On some days, I win. On the other days, she does. Over time, I stopped keeping score. And with time, I accepted that she is a part of me.

I don’t need to overpower her. I just need her to know I can win when I want to. I also want to thank her, for pushing me to a point that I had to make the jump. I had to change my life around. I had to take decisions that eventually worked out in my favour. And most importantly, I had to ask for help.

And I agree with Pooh. Because that, till date, is the bravest thing I’ve ever done.